The Decision For Love

When I decided that the next thing on my list of things to experience was Love the game was on.
From a very young age all I wanted to have was the fairy tale.
The prince, that special one. My very first boyfriend was for sure in that box. But I was so young and I wanted to experience more. Also, in hindsight, he probably wasn't it, otherwise I would've stayed then.

In all the years that followed, from 16 to now at 49 - oh lord, I have been looking for it. In the right and in the wrong places. I've fallen hard into it many times and fallen out of it as hard as well. 

Until that one guy. He was it! But then he broke up and I thought that I would die. Literally. 

Enter Neville Goddard and Bashar and Seth and Abraham Hicks. I went ALL IN with the teachings. And soon it became about the teachings, not about the guy anymore. Now I understand, in connecting the dots backwards, that he was the catalyst for me finding this knowledge. And I am SO grateful for it. This ended in 2017 and almost 10 years later, I have found my King. More on him at another point. I want to speak to the one before him.

I had sold my apartment in Amsterdam, after 20 years of owning it. It was time, and I had finally decided YES, I will. I had given myself all the time in the world to make up my mind going back and forth in my mind and feelings about it. And I allowed it all. Thank Gina Mallison for that. Through her course and the group that she led I learned to allow myself ALL of It. Changing my mind over and over and over and over and not giving too many fucks about what others would think of that.

After all this is my life, and who is going to have to pick up any of the pieces at any time? Correct, me. Or as my mother used to say: "They don't pay for my food, do they."

Even though some say that Hollywood has spoiled us, to think that this kind of love is possible, I am of the school that believes that we can have anything we desire, and Bashar is one of my favorite teachers that has literally said that our life is much more like a fairy tale than we think it is.

So I have never given up hope, ok not 100% true at times I had given up hope, but only temporary. After my apartment was sold, for exactly the price that I wanted to exactly the type of people that I had discussed with my apartment it wanted to be sold to, I decided that I would find him in New Zealand.

Before I tell you about my dating journey in New Zealand up until the pre-King I have to tell you about Mirko. 
We had dated back in the days in Berlin. We met on Bumble on the day that I had an emotional break down in front of a bunch of strangers, admitting that I thought something was wrong with me because I was still single. It was embarrassing but something had shifted big time. I decided to download Bumble after that meeting and I matched with Mirko and it was fireworks. At least for a few weeks, until I realized he wasn't my guy.
Before me and another girl prior to me he had had a very long relationship and they were either about to get married, or they were married. 

The girl before me had crushed his heart, but unlike most people, he had not let that defer him from his goal: meet and date the One.

After I ended things with him, in a really uncool way may I add, I bumped into him a few months later. I was able to apologize in person for my shitty behavior and he told me the happy news of having found his one. They were even expecting their first baby. I was impressed, apparently not giving up works. Which is funny that I even say this being the Queen of tenacity when it comes to a lot of things. But somehow I had not applied this to romance yet. 

Ok, now unto New Zealand. Where I almost threw in the towel again, until Chat GPT helped me uncover my pattern:

Ready to date and full of energy I would throw myself into it, but after a few disappointments that could look like anything really I would stop again. And then start all over again after I was bored and unhappy from not dating and I would start all over again.

I had uncovered another pattern too, after Mirko and Dominique, the men after the one that got me into Neville and the other teachers, I had only fallen for men that were either in a relationship or weren't ready for one. Which said about me that I wasn't ready for one. This much aware I was. Because as we know, reality is a mirror and it is ever reflecting to myself who I am being. (Neville Goddard paraphrased).

I started off my dating journey in Queensland. I had matched a young hottie - 33 - that I had wonderful conversations with on the app, and we talked and talked and talked but eventually never met. I was gutted. But! I remembered Mirko, I was not going to give up. After some random bump ins with available guys that I wasn't really interested in it was time to leave to Auckland. 

In the bus on the way to Devonport from Auckland central I matched with Craig #1. Score! He was attractive, I loved his age - 47 - his profession, his pictures and another plus was that he looked like my first BF who had been in the top 5 of most loved and appreciated boyfriends in my life.

Pretty quickly it became evident I had to cut him loose. This dude had issues. And I knew this was a test from me to me to make the difficult decision. It was friggin' tough though, but I did it!

Jaded, heartbroken and disappointed I remembered Mirko and I stayed on the app. Enter Craig #2. I wasn't attracted to him but matched him out of combination of a sense of familiarity, he looks like my friends husband,  boredom and loneliness. Or so I thought.

We went on 2 dates and I liked him but not romantically. That was until he started to pull his energy away and I could viscerally sense this and my body went on tilt. After I had spoken to him on the phone I felt all these feelings I had not felt in a long time and I knew I had to see him and that I wanted him, now!

Drama much? Yes, it truly felt this way. This is also a good time to tell you that I had not been intimate with anyone for about 7 years and I felt like a born again virgin.

To make a long story short, Craig and I entered into a whirlwind romance until he left to Peru for a month to visit his ex who had convinced him to give living in Peru a shot.

I was baffled about the timing of it all but I also knew that this was not happening randomly and I was committed to extract the lesson from this.

He came back, and the games began. He was giving mixed signals which was enough for me to hang on. I could give you all kinds of reasons that justify why I did what I did, but the only thing that is necessary to know is that it is because of this that I was able to work through, what I was able to release once and for all.

Whenever he would be silent, which would happen a lot, he would energetically completely disappear and I would go into a state of panic. So much so that I knew this had nothing to do with him, and this wasn't the first time that I had experienced this, however it was the first time that I was so conscious of it and also decided that I would end it. So I decided to work with a coach to get to the other side of this. 

When I was a baby and my mother had to work in a hotel to make rent money, the people that were supposed to take care of me and feed me would leave me crying in the crib for hours without changing my diapers. So when my mother came home she would find her baby girl in all kinds of distress. 

So the silence from him transported me back to the beginning days as an infant. After one of the most important sessions with my coach, where I also moved through the intense fear of him rejecting me something interesting happened; For the first time in what felt like forever he was the first to reach out and I visited him that night on my way back from a surfing trip.

From that point it felt something shifted so I was sure this was the beginning of the beginning. Until the night of the 29th to the 30th of December. I had felt rejected for the 555th time and I had decided that this was it. I told him goodbye in the morning. I had to, I said, because I would never meet anyone else if I would keep my heart open to him.

I wasn't even that sad, to be honest, I had cried so many times in the recent months and now in hind sight I had been mourning our "never going to happen" from the beginning of us.

That same day, I kid you not, I met Timothy. The King to My Queen. 

Which is a very beautiful story for a different time. Because also this story is one that you need to read with a notebook ánd popcorn.

A Fit Mind, Creates a Beautiful Body and an Epic Life

Much Love.

Monique